Warriors: Into the Wild More or Less
by Dreamstar's Courage
Summary: A parody of Inot the Wild. Did you know that Tigerclaw was raised by mice? Or that Spottedleaf has dreams of being a supermodel? Find out...
1. Chapter 1

Warriors: Into the Wild More or Less

Summary: A parody of into the wild. Hope you think it's funny.

**Chapter One: Tiggerclaw, Oakheart's Fan Club, And Mice with Frying Pans**

(opens on the scene of Redtail and Tigerclaw)

Redtail: So... got any twos?

Tigerclaw: Go fish.

Ravepaw: (runs up) Hey, Tiggerclaw,

Tigerclaw: TIGERclaw.

Ravenpaw: Yeah, Tiggerclaw-

Tigerclaw: TI-

Redtail: Shut up, Tiggerclaw.

Tigerclaw: (huffs)

Ravepaw: Anyway, shouldn't you two be looking heroic and all that right now, and battling.

Redtail: Yeah, but we got bored, so Go Fish seemed to be the only possible answer.

Ravepaw: Oh, really?(cranes neck to see)

Redtail: Yeah. And I'm kicking Tigger's butt.(smirks)

Tigerclaw: Tiger...

Ravenpaw: (laughs head off, pointing at Tigerclaw)

Tigerclaw: (slaps Ravenpaw)

Ravenpaw: So, you do know that Tigerclaw's gonna kill you pretty soon, Redtail? Do ya, do ya, do ya?

Redtail? Uh-huh, I sure d- Holy Starclan!(Riverclan cats run in)

Mousefur: OH. MY. STARCLAN. IT'S OAKHEART!(swoons)

She-cats: (collective sigh)

Oakheart: I shall kiiiill you!(runs after Redtail)

Redtail: EEEE! HELP ME, TIGGER!(hides behind Tigerclaw)

Tigerclaw and Ravenpaw: (snickers)

Mousefur: Oooh, Oakheart!

Oakheart: Geez. Do you HAVE to follow me around?

She-cats: Mousefur is the vice president of our Oakheart fan club!

Oakheart: Then why isn't the president here?

Mousefur: (shrugs) She IS our clan leader. I wonder what's going on...?

(back at the camp)

Bluestar: Oakheart... Oakheart... Om...(bows down at Oakheart shrine)

Spottedleaf: (files nails) That's scary, you know.

Bluestar: (narrows eyes) NON-OAKHEART LOVER!(hisses)

Spottedleaf: Hmph!(fluffs fur)

Bluestar:(in calmer tone) So, wazzup with our homies?

Spottedleaf: (jerks away from practicing her supermodel walk) Mousefur injured herself in a catfight with another she-cat trying to get to Oakheart.

Bluestar: (scoffs) Idiot.

Spottedleaf: Come on! That's how you lost your first life! Btw, how's my supermodel walk?(struts)

Bluestar: Er... OK... And anyway, I didn't mean THAT. I meant that they're all idiots 'cause Oakheart's ah-bviously alllll mine!

Spottedleaf: (in distracted tone) Yeah... sure... go on...(looks in mirror, admiring own reflection) M-hmmm... WHAT IN THE NAME OF STARCLAN!

Bluestar: What? A prohecy?

Spottedleaf: NO! A... A... A ZIT!

Bluestar: (eye roll) Suck it up.

Spottedleaf: (wails) OO! OO! A SHOOTING STAR! MAKE A WISH, BLUEY!

Bluestar: Bluey?  
Spottedleaf: (takes out cell-phone, which is ringing to the tone of Hit Me Baby One More Time) Isn't Britney Spears, like, awesome?

Bluestar: Uh... No...(a/n: SO agree with Bluey)

Spottedleaf: Like, hello?

Bluestar: Huh?

Spottedleaf: SHUT UP! STARCLAN'S CALLING ME!(listens to phone) Uh-huh... yep... got it. See ya on the flip side!(closes phone) OK, only Hershey's Bars will save the clan-(phone rings) Yeah? Oh... (closes phone) Sorry, on _fire _will save the clan.

Bluestar: WHAT!

Spottedleaf: Oh, and your gonna die.

Bluestar: (paces) Fire can't save the clan, it's-wait- I'M GONNA DIE!

Spottedleaf: (grins) Yep.

Bluestar: But... then I can't be the president of the Oakheart fan club...

----------------------------------

Rusty: (casts out fishing pole with piece of cheese on the end) C'mere little mousey...

Mouse: (runs forward) Squeakity!

Rusty: Now would be a good time to speak mouse... WAIT! TIGGERCLAW!

Tigerclaw: (pads over) What? And it's TIGER-

Rusty: Whatever. Look, I can't speak mouse, and I know you lived with mice when you were a kit-which explains a lot, by the way-, so tell this little dude to let me eat him.

Tigerclaw: Hey! I only confessed that secret in my diary!(eyes narrow) YOU WERE IN MY DIARY!

Rusty: Duh. Now go!

Tigerclaw: No! Not until you say you're sorry!

Rusty: (sighs) DO I have to count to three?

Tigerclaw: That doesn't scare me anymore!

Rusty: One...

Tigerclaw: (pained look on face)

Rusty: Two...

Tigerclaw: OK, OK!(runs over to mouse) Squeakum, squeaker squeak?

Translator: He just said, 'Habla Espanol'?

Tigerclaw: Where'd that disembodied voice come from?

Translator: Tigger, I doubt that the mouse knows Spanish.

Tigerclaw: TIGER! And-

Rusty: Yeah, Tigger, the big voice is right. I don't think the mouse knows Spanish.

Tigerclaw: Will you listen? That's a disembodied voice!

Rusty: (shrugs) So? It sounds a lot like the one I hear in my head telling me to kill my twolegs.

Tigerclaw: (sighs) Whatever. (turns to mouse) Squeakle squeak squeak?

Translator: Will you let Rusty roast you in assorted Indian spices and eat you?

Mouse: SQUEAKUM!

Translator: Heck no! And a number of other words I'd rather not repeat.

Mouse: (runs away)

Rusty: Smooth, Tigger.

Tigerclaw: TI-

Mouse: (runs up with frying pan and begins to bonk Tigerclaw over the head with it)

Tigerclaw: (between bonks) But-it-was-Rusty's-idea!

Mouse: (turns to Rusty)

Rusty: Oops. Better wake up.

Tigerclaw: CHEATER!

Rsuty: (wakes up) I NEED to stop eating before I go to sleep.

-----------------------------

**My first random Warriors fic. Please don't flame...**


	2. Chapter 2

Warriors: Into the Wild More or Less

Summary: A parody of into the wild. Hope you think it's funny.

**Chapter Two: Graystripe the Murderer and Kitty Camper Parties**

Rusty: (pads outside) I'm siiinging in the rain, just siiiinging in the rain-

Smudge: (hops onto fence, then falls down) Hey, Rusty, can you help me?

Rusty: La, la, la, loo, la, laa-

Smudge: (tries again) Um, can't ge up here!

Rusty: Hmm, hm, hm, hmmm, hm-

Smudge: IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, HELP ME!

Rusty: (takes out ear plugs) Oh, sorry homie.(runs over and helps Smudge up on to fence)

Smudge: Why are you wearing ear plugs?  
Rusty: You know that kitty next door? Genivieve?

Smudge: Yep.

Rusty: She's obsessed with me, and sings 'Toxic' every night to serenade me.

Smudge: Ah. So that's the insane yowling I've been hearing every night.

Rusty: (snaps 'fingers') Bingo.

Genivieve: (in screechy tones) With the taste of your lips-(a/n: That music video for that song is so sick)

Rusty: (cringes) SHUT UP!

Smudge: (snickers) My friend Rusty, the kitty magnet.

Rusty: Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.

Smudge: (eyes widen) Rusty, is there something you want to tell me?  
Rusty: EW! GROSS! NO! It was a joke!

Smudge: Suuuuure.

Rusty: Seriously!

Smudge: (pats Rusty on head) I shall support you 100

Rusty: Cats can't be that way!

Smudge: So the vet says. By the way, I'm going to the vet soon!(looks proud)

Rusty: I wonder what they do there...

Smudge: Henry says that he's never been to anything like it in his sad little life.

Rusty and Smudge: Huh.

Smudge: Henry says that he caught a bird.

Rusty: (rolls over laughing)

Smudge: Really!

Rusty: (sits up) Yeah. Right. I'm outtie. (pads after mouse)

Graypaw: (in the cover of the forest) OO!(robotic voice) Intruder. Intruder.(attacks)

Rusty: AAAAH! THE AGONY! (dramatically sprawls put looking dead)

Graypaw: HOLY STARCLAN! I JUST KILLED A KITTYPET!(chews on claws) Lionheart's gonna kill me!(takes out cell phone-Spottedleaf had given them out at her last house party) OMG, OMG, OMG...(dials 911) 911? This is an emergency!

911 Operator: (listens to insane mewing) I must have had too much to drink...

Graypaw: I just murdered a kittypet! I didn't mean to! Please don't send me to jail!(sobs and pads over to Rusty) Please little kittypet, be alive! If you die, you'll ruin my whole life!

Rusty: (hops up) Yo homeslice, wazzup?

Graypaw: (hugs Rusty) Oh, thank Starclan! Now I can- I mean, it's good that you're alive.

Rusty: (snorts)

Graypaw: Now, to introduce myself. I am the almighty Graypaw, conquerer of evil, enforcer of good-

Rusty: You're a kitten.

Graypaw: True, but-

Rusty: Just try to be quiet for once in your life.

Graypaw: Do you know anything about clans?

Rusty: Yeah, I read the manual(holds up manual)

Graypaw: Lemme have that!(voice comes from the forest)

Lionheart: I AM LIONHEART! HERE ME ROAR!

Bluestar: Puh-leeze.

Lionheart: I CAN roar!(mews like a kit)

Bluestar: I am stuck with a clan of idiots.

Rusty: Hey, they sound like a married couple!

Bluestar:(pads in) I am president of the Oakheart fan club, thank you!(pauses) Forget you heard that.

Lionheart: BOW, LOWLY APPRENTICE AND...Who the heck are you?

Rusty: I'm Rusty!

Bluestar and Lionheart: (exchange slow looks)

Graypaw: Oh, great. Their gonna do it again.

Bluestar and Lionheart: (begin pointing) KITTYPET, KITTYPET, KITTYPET!

Graypaw: Geez, can you two just SHUT UP?  
Bluestar and Lionheart: (sobs)

Rusty: Graypaw, I feel so sorry for you.

Graypaw: I get that a lot.

Bluestar: (recovers) So, wanna come to our clan?

Rusty: Er... aren't we rushing things?

Bluestar: (eye roll) Fine. Your fat, you're gonna get fixed if you don't join us-

Lionheart, Rusty, and Graypaw: (shudders)

Bluestar: And Thunderclan has access to all chocolate cake. What more can you ask for?

Rusty: Er...?

Genivieve: With the taste of you lips-

Bluestar: AND you get to be FAR from her.

Rusty: SOLD! But I'm supposed to contemplate this, so I'll tell you in the morning.

Bluestar: Kay. Move it, men! I mean, toms!

(the next morning)

Rusty: Smudge. I have decided to leave.

Smudge: Egad!

Rusty: To spread my wings and go out on my own, to fly by myself, to-

Smudge: D-DON'T LEAVE ME RUSTY!(sobs)

Genivieve: He's LEAVING!

Rusty: Yuppers.(does little dance)

Genivieve: (faints)

Henry: Huh? You whipper-snappers are-

Rusty: Henry, you stink.

Henry: True.

Smudge: We'll throw you a party!

Henry: Raise the roof, raise the roof!(makes raising roof motions)

Rusty and Smudge: (stare in horror)

(later)

Twoleg: Have you been noticing strange activity in Rusty's kitty camper?

Other Twoleg: Er... yeah...(kitty camper is rocking back and forth, lights blaring from it as well as music)

Tom's Voice: Take it off!

She-cat's voice: Jerk!(slapping noise)

(Rusty and Smudge pad out)

Rusty: Phew. I thought that Genivieve finally got what she wanted... Well, gotto go!(sprints away)

Smudge: RUSTY! NOOOO!

Rusty: Thank goodness...(Whitestorm and Lionheart pad up)

Whitestorm: The M&M is superior to the skittle!

Lionheart: Pfft. You wish.

Rusty: HEEEEELLLLOOOOOO!  
Whitestorm: Oh. This is the one.

----------------------------------------------

_**So? Randomness-at times- ROCKS!**_


	3. A New Fan Club is Born

Warriors: Into the Wild More or Less

Summary: A parody of into the wild. Hope you think it's funny.

**Chapter Three: A New Fanclub is Born**

Rusty: (curls up in fetal position) Please don't hurt me, PLEASE don't hurt me, pl-

Whitestorm: Zip it.(makes 'zip it' motion)

Lionheart: So, let's go! Hey, that rhymed!

Whitestorm: (sighs)

(later)

Whitestorm: Willowpelt's smokin'!

Lionheart: Actually, according to several of our fans, I prefer Bluestar.

Whitestorm: Huh. Same here.

Lionheart: Hey, I wonder where Rusty went.

(back to Rusty)

Rusty: (drowning in quicksand) Help-me!

Whitestorm: (shrugs) He'll catch up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bluestar: Geez, shouldn't they be here by now?

Spottedleaf: I dunno. Hey Bluey, I'm thinkin' of quitin' this med cat deal. What doya think I should be?

Bluestar: A stripper.(Sandpaw walks by, Dustpaw and several other cats following adoringly) OOOO! SPOTTY HAS COMPETTIIIITION!

Spottedleaf: (hisses) WHO DARE CHALLENGE ME WITH MY SUPERPOWERS?

Bluestar: Er... you have no superpowers...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whitestorm: C'mon kitty, it isn't that hard! I mean, Sprucepelt had the same problem as you!

Lionheart: (out of corner of mouth) What happened to him, anyway?

Whitestorm: (makes slashing motion over neck)

Rusty: (finally pads over, choking on sand)

Whitestorm: I'LL GET THE JAWS OF LIFE!(thumps Rusty on the back)

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Lionheart: O great leader! We have the sacrifice-I mean, kittypet!

Sandpaw: OH MY FREAKIN' GOSH! HE'S HOTTER THAN OAKHEART!

Lionheart: I knew you she-cats would warm up to me!

Sandpaw: Not you, idiot! The kittypet! (drools)  
Dustpaw: Er...

Sandpaw: I mean, I hate him. A lot.(makes a 'call me' motion to Rusty) Hey Mousefur, I'll give you $20 to make me the secret president of HIS fanclub!

Spottedleaf: Ohmistarclan, you, like, don't have a cell phone!(throws Rusty a cell phone, as well as an invite to her next party)

Bluestar: So, Darkstripe, any time now.

Darkstripe: Oh, yeah. Grr.(attacks Rusty-with scissors) Look, hun, you are soo a fashion DON'T.

Graypaw: Aw, great. Darkstripe's having another episode.

Darkstripe: OK, a snip here, and here-

Rusty: NOT THERE.

Darkstripe: Ta-da! Like, totally Gucci!

Spottedleaf: (scoffs) Everyone knows that that look is OUT. Oh my Starclan, you ARE cute!

Rusty: (purrs as she-cats gather around)

Whitestorm: WILLOWPELT! NOOOOOO!(falls to ground in a dead faint0

Lionheart: Baby.

Bluestar: I give you the apprentice name of Firepaw, for your flaming hottness.

Firepaw: Sweetness!(calls Graypaw over) Who's the tortoiseshell?  
Graypaw: That's Spottedleaf. She's hawt.

Firepaw: Righteous.

Lionheart: Geez, everyone's been gone for a while...

Bluestar: (channel surfing) Yeah... yeah...

Lionheart: Er, can you pay attention for once?

Bluestar: HAH! Starclan sent me TiVo! Sweetness!

Firepaw: Hey, that's my catch phrase!

Bluestar: Grr!

Firepaw: OK, OK, you can have it...(cringes)

Graypaw: Sorry. Bluey isn't on her meds.

Bluestar: STOP CALLING ME BLUEY!(Ravenpaw bounds up)

Graypaw: OMG, what happened?

Ravenpaw: (staggers around)

Sandpaw: Dusty, I think he's drunk or something..

Ravenpaw: SO NOT!(hiccup) I saved the clan!

Bluestar: (sighs) I'll go get the medal of honor.

Lionheart: Er... Bluey-

Bluestar: GAH!

Lionheart: Yeah, whatever. I don't think he's telling the truth.

Bluestar: Um... what he said!

Ravenpaw: Redtail is... DEAD!

Graypaw: (mutters) You aren't supposed to say that yet!

Ravenpaw: Oh. Yeah.(crickets chirp) AAAH!(faints)

Bluestar: (bored tone) Great. Another one. Spottedleaf. Spottedleaf.(long pause. silence) OH YOU DANG MEDICINE CAT, GET YOUR FLEA-BITTEN PELT OVER HERE!

Spottedleaf: (from where she's stroking Firepaw's fur) MY PELT IS NOT FLEA-BITTEN!

Bluestar: That's not the point!

Spottedleaf: (giggles) Oh, Fire-whatsit, you are so _bad_...

Firepaw: (purrs)

Bluestar: I _need _to stop stealing kittypets...(prowls over and grabs Spotty by the scruff of the neck) Ravenpaw. Will. Die. If. You. Don't. Help!

Spottedleaf: (rolls eyes) But Firepaw wants to take me out for Sushi!

Bluestar: (jaw drops)

Whitestorm: AAAAAAAAAAH! SHE'S A MEDICINE CAT AND HAVING AN AFFAIR! BURN HER AT THE IMAGINARY STAKE!

Clan: (gasps) NOT THE IMAGINARY STAKE!

Spottedleaf: Er...

Ravenpaw: (croaks) Help...

Bluestar: Fine, save him, as useless as he is, and you can live.

Spottedleaf: (disappears in den and comes out in doctor's outfit wheeling a gurney and grabs Ravenpaw) I need his vitals, STAT!

Graypaw: (whispers to Firepaw) Spottedleaf watches Bluestar's TV. _Their _favorite show is _Grey's Anatomy_.(a/n: That show ROCKS!)

Bluestar: Dr. McDreamy is so HOTT!(swoons)

Graypaw: (shrugs) I like Meredith.(Tigerclaw stumbles in)

Tigerclaw: Well, Redtail's dead.

Bluestar: NOOOOOO!

Tigerclaw: Pfft. Get over it.

-------------------

_**What will happen next? All we know is that it'll be crazy... Oh, and I shall not be updating my serious warriorsstory, Elements: The New, until people review, since they haven't for the last chapter, so will SOMEBODY check it out, cuz I like it and don't want it to die...**_


	4. Shotguns and TiVo

Warriors: Into the Wild More or Less

Summary: A parody of into the wild. Hope you think it's funny.

Disclaimer: Own nothing...

_**I may need to skip some parts, y'all, but don't worry, the 'funny' will still be there.**_

**Chapter Four: Shotguns and TiVo**

Tigerclaw: Oh, btw, Oakheart's dead as a doornail.

Oakheart FCers: AAAAAAAGH!

Mousefur: WHAT SHALL FILL THE VOID!(turns to Firepaw) He'll do.

Firepaw: (winks)

Bluestar: You people are all sick and perverted. He's way to young for you!(winks at Firepaw)

Firepaw: (grins)

Dustpaw to Graypaw: Well. This stinks.

Graypaw: Totally.

Firepaw: You're-you're betraying m-me!(sobs)

Graypaw: Dude. I barely know you. And there's the fact that you're, like, stealing all the babes. Even Longtail likes you, and that's weird, cuz he never likes any tom.

Firepaw: He ruined my look! He can't like me!

Graypaw: Not like that. _Like you_ like you.

Firepaw: (faints)

Dustpaw: (snickers)

Sandpaw: Let us poke him with a stick and see what happens!

Graypaw: Geez. Stop being so blonde, Sandy.

Dustpaw: DON'T INSULT MY WOMAN!

Graypaw: BRING IT!

Sandpaw: (begins poking Firepaw with stick)

Dustpaw: Oh my tibia!

Bluestar: (walks over) CHEDDAR! Well, I'm off to TiVo _Grey's Anatomy_. Oh, btw, Lionheart's the new deputy.

Lionheart: Why?  
Bluestar: Cuz you're hot.

Everyone: BOOYAH!

Graypaw: OO!(follows her)

(sun sets, Sandpaw and Dustpaw and everyone goes to sleep but Bluestar and Graypaw, who are watching McDreamy and Meredith make out over and over, and Firepaw is left unconcious)

Next Morning...

Tigerclaw: (gets trumpet and begins to play that military tune)

Firepaw: RUBBER DUCKIES!(jumps to paws)

Bluestar: (asleep on couch, paw on remote control)

Graypaw: (walks over and pokes her with claw)

Bluestar:(muttering in sleep) Oh, Oakheart, stop!

Graypaw: (eyes widen, then walks away to go throw up)

Lionheart: DANG!

Whitestorm: What?  
Lionheart: I FORGOT TO WATER THE PLANTS LAST NIGHT!

Whitestorm: (pause) Which ones?

Lionheart: THE BEGONIAS!

Whitestorm: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Spottedleaf: (is already up and washing her car in a coral pink bikini)

All male apprentices: (watch, making cat calls, clapping, and drooling)

Sandpaw: DUSTY!(grabs him by scruff, then looks at Spottedleaf) Hmm, I have to get a bikini. And a car.

Spottedleaf: I'm giving them out at the next house party!

Tigerclaw: Hey, Spotty.

Spottedleaf: Puh-leeze, losa.

Tigerclaw: (sobbing) I'm n-not a l-loser! Do you know what this is doing to my self esteem?

Spottedleaf: M-hmm.

Firepaw: Spotty, you really shouldn't call him Losa.

Everyone: HUH!

Firepaw: You should call him Tigger.

Tigerclaw: Hmph. Anyway, me want my apprentice!

Spottedleaf: (aghast) Tigerclaw.. I didn't know you were that kind of cat...

Tigerclaw: Not THAT kind of want! Man, why does everyone think I'm gay!

Everyone: Cuz we hate you.

Spottedleaf and Sandpaw: (together, stroking Firepaw's fur) And we looooove Firepaw, cuz he's hot and brave and a hero and part of a prophecy and buff and-

Everyone:SHUT UP!

Lionheart: Let's go a-huntin!

(while later)

Lionheart: Yes, Graypaw, the rabbit is the one that hops.

Graypaw: (dumb jock look) Gotcha.

Firepaw: OO! GOT A MOUSEY!(trips over paws as he runs to mouse, but miraculously, a pebble hits it one the head, and it dies)

Lionheart: (Not having seen the pebble) Great job!

Firepaw: Er... yeah...

Lionheart: (takes out shotgun) I SEE A TWELVE POINTER! (runs off singing the theme to Bambi)

Firepaw: Interesting...

_**What the Apprentices in Into the Wild would be like if They were in High School(in my parody, that is)**_

_**Ravenpaw: Nerd.**_

_**Dustpaw: Snitch who nobody truly likes.**_

**_Graypaw: All American Dumb Jock._**

_**Sandpaw: Cheerleader who all the guys think is hot.**_

_**Firepaw: Rebel(since he breaks rules) with a heart of gold.**_

_**Well, hope you liked, g2g!**_

_**El**_


	5. Gathering Mayhem

Warriors: Into the Wild More or Less

Summary: A parody of into the wild. Hope you think it's funny.

Disclaimer: Own nothing...

_**I may need to skip some parts, y'all, but don't worry, the 'funny' will still be there.**_

**Chapter Five: Gathering Mayhem**

Bluestar: Graydawg, Homeslice!

Firepaw: Holla?

Bluestar: You get to go to the Gathering.

Firepaw: Whoop-de-doo.

Graypaw: Well, we can always go and rub it in Sandy and Dusty's faces?

Firepaw: I'm game.(walks off)

Tigerclaw: (walks up to Bluestar) Die.

Bluestar: Whatevs. Hey, since I'm gullible and completely trust you, wanna go to the gathering?  
Tigerclaw: (shrugs)

(at the Gathering)

Firepaw: Oohh... sparkly...

Bluestar: Where's Windclan?

Nobody listens

Bluestar: I repeat. Where's Windclan?

Nobody listens

Bluestar: FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, WHERE'S WINDCLAN!

Crookedstar: Your mic's off.

Bluestar: OH... yeah... (turns mic on) Testing... one, two three... OK, WHERE'S WINDCLAN!

Brokenstar: (whistles innocently)

Crookedstar: Who cares, dawg? I mean, they totally cheated at tug-o'-war at the last Gathering!

Bluestar: True, but I'm supposed to be virtuous and nice and stick to the warrior code, and-

Graypaw: (stands up) WE HAVE CAKE!

Everyone but Bluestar: YAY CAKE!(caos begins)

Bluestar: Oh, brother...

Ravenpaw: (surrounded by she-cats) And then, I grabbed my bazooka and blasted the heck out of 'em!

She-cats: Oooh, Ravenpaw, you're soooo manly!

Firepaw: YOU'RE STEALING MY WOMEN!

Ravenpaw: (shrugs) And then, Redtail got his sniper and blasted Oakheart to bits!

She-cats: OAKHEART! NOOOOOOO!  
Ravenpaw: I mean... gave Oakheart the power of Pine-Sol!

Firepaw: Is it just me, or is he changing his story?

Graypaw: Dude! Not cool!

Firepaw: Oh, Raven-dude!

Ravenpaw: Huh?

Firepaw: We all have our little thing that Bluey calls us. That's Graydawg(points to Graypaw) I'm Homeslice, and you're Raven-dude!

Ravenpaw: Ah. Bluey's goin' through another mid-life crisis?

Firepaw: Yuppers.(discoball suddenly comes down with Bluestar hanging on, mic in paw)

Bluestar: Yo, yo, yo! Time to get this party starrrted!(jumps down and begins crowd surfing)

Cats: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(a while later)

Firepaw: (dancing with Spottedleaf) THIS PARTY IS EVEN BETTER THAN THE ONES WE HAD AT TWOLEGPLACE!

Spottedleaf: WHAT!

Firepaw: (repeats sentence)

Spottedleaf: WHAT!

Firepaw: Ach, just dance!(she-cats come by)

Mousefur: GET AWAY, SPOTTY! HE'S MIIIIIIIIIIIINE!

Sandpaw: WHO YOU KIDDIN', MOUSE? MINE, MINE, MINE!

Firepaw: (sighs)

(next morning)

Firepaw: (stumbles out of apprentice's den) That party was awesome!

Graypaw: I got a hangover...

Firepaw: But Ravenpaw's the alchahol addict!

Ravenpaw: I am(hiccup) not!

Bluestar: Hey, F-firey?

Firepaw: Yo?

Bluestar: Wanna come to the Moon with me?

Firepaw: (eyes huge) WE CAN GO TO THE MOON?

Bluestar:(hiccup) Sorry, me-meant Moonstone... You too, Gray-dawg.

Gray-dawg: Sweetness!

(later)

Bluestar: Kay... Raven-dude, Gray-dawg, defend the foryt at all costs!

Gray-dawg and Raven-dude: (shrugs) Fine by us.

Bluestar: Tigger, Homeslice, come with me!(walks up to Moonstone) Er... anyone remember the password?

Firepaw: Nope.

Tigerclaw: Hmm... Oh, I remember! Open Sesame!

Bluestar: OK... OPEN SESAME!(nothing happens)

Tigerclaw: Huh... Yakkity Yak!

Bluestar: YAKKITY YAK!(once again, nothing)

Tigerclaw: Posalutely Absotively!

Bluestar: POSALUTELY ABSOTIVELY!(nothing)

Tigerclaw: Strange... B-

Bluestar: SHUT UP!(door opens) Interesting...(She, Tigger and Firey walk in)

Firepaw: Neato!

Tigerclaw: MOMMY!(runs out)

Bluestar: (eye roll) Well, nighty-night!(starts snoring as she lies down on the moonstone)

Firepaw: Hmm... what to do... I'M SINGING IN THE RAIN, JUST SIIIIIINGING IN THE RAIN!

Bluestar: Ugh...

(few minutes later)

Bluestar: Okey Dokey, let's go!

--------

_**I'll do tha rat attack and Yellowgfang next.. Stupid ending, but I had to stop typing...**_


	6. Senor Rattykins

**Chapter Six: Senor Rattykins**

Bluestar: (listening to earphones) Mystify, yeah ya mystify-

Tigerclaw:(in country western tone) On the road again! I just can't wait-

Ravenpaw: We are faamily!

Graypaw: Who knew Tigerclaw had such a great singing voice?

Firepaw: Amazing! Now all I need is a Gas Station and Cheez Puffs and-

Bluestar: Holy Starclan!

Firepaw: (looks up to see a gas station-and it has a sign that says, 'Cheez Puffs' half off!- and choruses of angels singing 'Hallelujah' reaches his ears) Gray-dawg?

Graypaw: Yeah?  
Firepaw: I'm home.

Tigerclaw: Is that...?

Bluestar: No, it can't be...

Tigerclaw: But it is...

Apprentices: WHAT!

Bluey and Tigger: KAREOKE! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!(both run in screaming to fight over the mic)

Tigerclaw: Like, it's MINE.

Bluestar: (sneers) You wish, wannabe!

Graypaw: I wonder what we should d- WALDO!

Firepaw: YOU'RE KIDDING!

Graypaw: (runs and grabs a 'Where's Waldo?' book) YAYNESS! LET'S FIND HIM!

Cashier Dude: Dude... there's like... Cats...

Cashier Chick: Man... don't stop the love...

Firepaw: OOH, OOH! FOUND H- oh, wait, false alarm... Hmm, where's the- OH. MY. GOSH.

Graypaw: What?

Firepaw: (points shaking finger at gigantic bags of supersized Cheez Puffs)

Graypaw: H- wait a second...

Tigerclaw: (amazingly, he got the mic from Bluey) On the road again-

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!(throws tomatoes and Cheez Puffs at Tigerclaw)

Tigerclaw: I jus- EEK!

Bluestar: (from where she lies weakly by stage) Tee-hee- oh my back...

Homeslice and Gray-dawg: BLUESTAR, BLUESTAR, BLUESTAR!

Bluestar: MY MIC!(pulls lever)

Tigerclaw: (falls through trapdoor)WAAAH!

Bluestar: This is(in hippy voice) The Ballad... of the Salad...(Lol, from That's so Raven)

Cashier Dude: (strums guitar)

Bluestar: Ever since the day I was born I've been in love with sweet yellow corn!

Firepaw: (sobbing) This moves me so much!

Graypaw: (sings along, taking out a lighter)

Bluestar: -And even in my mouth, it gets to stickin'!

Crowd: (begins the wave)

Bluestar: OH how I love it with my mom's deep fried... CHICKEN!

Firepaw: CHICKEN!

Bluestar: OH, CHICKEN! CHICKEN! HEY, CHIIIICKEN! Take it Cashier Dude!

Cashier Dude: (begins guitar solo)

Ravenpaw: (walks out of restroom) Geez, how DO those two legs- WHAT THE...

Bluestar: THANK YOU(checks Gas Station name) PHIL'S FIL-R-UP!(makes 'peace sign with both paws) YEAH!(jumps down and begins crowd surfing again)

Firepaw: Raven-d-(stops and snickers mid sentence)

Raven-dude: What?

Graypaw: (snickers)

Ravenpaw: WHAT?

Both: (snicker together)

Firepaw: Raven-dude... check your paw...

Ravenpaw: (looks and groans) Toilet paper...

Bluestar: (panting, finally got away from her fans) OK, time to g-

Fandude: OMG, can I have you autograph?

Bluestar: Um.. sure...(stares at pen, then looks back at kid. Pen. Kid. Pen. Kid.) Dude. I'm a cat. I can't write.

The cats run out

(Two hours later)

Bluestar: (talking inot cell-phone) Yeah, sorry, can't sign with your record company...

Tigerclaw: (grumble grumble)

Firepaw: Do you.. do you hear that?

Graypaw: (takes out flashlight and shines it on face) Ze cheeldren of se night... vhat music they make...

Ravenpaw: (changes 80's CD and chants in nervous whisper) Stayin' alive, stayin alive-

Firepaw: (pats him on shoulder) Don't worry, it'll be fine-(dagger whirls past them and nearly hits Ravenpaw)

Ravenpaw: EEK!

Firepaw: I spoke too soon...

Squeaky Voice: Pray for mercy from...(rat flies through air and lands in front of them)

Bluestar: GASP!

Rat: Ah, so we meet again.. BLUESTAR!

Bluestar: Senor Rattykins...

Tigerclaw: Da da da!

Graypaw: Wah, wah wah...

Ravenpaw: Na na na!

Firepaw: Wah wah wah!

Tigerclaw: Duh duh d-

Bluestar: SHUT UP!

All: Yes Bluey...

Bluestar: So... how long has it been?

Rattykins: One, two... I don't know, I only have four fingers, thanks to-

Firepaw: Bluestar?

Rattykins: Actually, my blender. I'm mad at Bluestar for... for...

Bluestar: I BEAT HIM AT CHESS!

Tigger, Gray-dawg, Homeslice and Raven-dude: E-GAD!

Bluestar: And I'll do it again! Right here... right now... just get a chess set...

Rattykins: (flips through copy of 'Into the Wild') Um, I'm supposed to go into mortal combat with you. MEN- I MEAN, RATS! CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!(attack Bluestar)

Bluestar: HEEEEEEELP!

Tigerclaw: Yep.

Graypaw: Sure.

Ravenpaw: (files nails)

Firepaw: (yawns)

Bluestar: Losing-life!

Apprentices: OOPS!

Tigerclaw: YES!(begins moonwalk)

000

_**Sorry, needed to postpone Yellowfang thingy... it'll be next chapter!**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter Seven: MCDONALDS!**_

Tigerclaw: Uh-huh, oh yeah, uh-huh, OH YEAH! RAISE THE ROOF!(raises roof at the same as he does moonwalk)

Firepaw: Oh geez, oh geez!(bites nails)

Ravenpaw: STOP THAT, Firepaw!

Firepaw: Er... why?

Graypaw: DUH! It's so bad for your cuticles!

Bluestar: AH!

Voice: HAVE NO FEAR!

Everyone: GASP!

Voice: IN THE NAME OF TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND MOUSEBURGERS, IT'S... BARLEY!(Barley jumps out in tights)

Everyone: Ew. Barley in tights!

Barley: Yeah, yeah! I can save you, you know.

Graypaw: How?

Barley: (moons rats, and accidently does the same for everyone else)

Rats: AAAAAAAAAH! WE'RE BLINDED!

Apprentices: OMG.(hides)

Tigerclaw: (begins rocking back and forth)

Bluestar: (begins seizing)

Firepaw: She's losing a life-and pull up your pants!

Barley:(pulling up pants) Because of the rats?

Firepaw: NO! Because you mooned her! Oh, and she has some last words.

Barley: (walks up to Bluestar) Yes?

Bluestar: Come... closer...

Barley: (comes closer)

Bluestar: You... IDIOT.(dies)

Firepaw: NOOOOOOOO!

Graypaw: Uh. Dude. She's gonna wake up in a minute.

Tigerclaw: DANG IT!

Bluestar: (wakes up) OK. Um. Let's go. Now.(trots off) Oh, and btw, Tiggerclaw, that was my fifth life, just so you know to kill me four times when you're ready.

Tigerclaw: Gotcha.

Bluestar: Psst! Homeslice!

Firepaw: (walks up) Yeah?

Bluestar: I'd like it better if YOU killed me, so that was really my seventh life!

Firepaw: UH... thanks...

000

Random Thunderclan Kit: OMG! OUR ALMIGHTY INSANE LEADER IS BACK!

Clan: WHOOOO!(does parade with banners as Bluestar eats a hamburger she got from Wendy's.)

Bluestar: (between bites) Dat's nice stuff!

Dustpaw: (walks up to Firepaw) Just to let you know, I hate you.

Sandpaw: (girlish giggle)

Firepaw: Whatevs.(passes out for no apparent reason)

000

Firepaw: C'mere little mousey! Bit more, bit more...

Yellowfang: RAWR!(attacks)

Firepaw: EEEK! I'M MEEEEEEEELTING!

Yellowfang: Geez. Touchy.

Firepaw: (takes on sword) Onguard!(or however they say that)

Yellowfang: (takes out clippers and shaves a 'Y' on his back) Touche!

Firepaw: Dang! Darkstripe worked really hard on my look! Uh... babbling French stuff that I don't know and neither does the author so I will shut up!(begins mortal battle with Yellowfang as that 'Hero' song that was on Shrek 2 comes on)

Yellowfang: Wait-where's that music coming from?(shows Bluestar with stereo, holding it up)

Firepaw: OOH! That's my jam!(does cabbage patch)

Yellowfang: (sighs and rolls eyes, then goes on battling with her clippers) I HAVE SPECIAL MEDICINE CAT POWERS-oh, wait. You're not supposed to know that yet.

Firepaw: (wide eyes)

Yellowfang: Um... SUPER AFRO POWER!(zaps)

Firepaw: (pats six foot high Afro) Hmm... poofy...

Yellowfang: (smirks and hands him pick) Uh, you might want this. When I had one, fish got in it all the time, and for some reason, cats found that unattractive.

Bluestar: Hey, Yellowfang, I've always wanted a mullet-

Yellowfang: (sighs and zaps)

Bluestar: ROCK ON!

Yellowfang: All in a day's work.

Firepaw: Hey, what's that?(points)

Yellowfang: Huh?(turns)

Firepaw: A-HA!(knocks her down with Afro)

Yellowfang: You used the power of the 'Fro for evil!

Firepaw: Yuppers.

Yellowfang: Geez, I'm hungry.

Firepaw: There's a McDonald's over near the Gas Station! Me, being the overly sympathetic cat I am, will go get you a Chicken McGriddle.

Three days later...

Firepaw: GOT IT!

Yellowfang: What took you so long?

Firepaw: Uh...(thinks of party he had) Just cuz...

Voice: FIREPAW!

Firepaw: Mommy...

000

_**R and R!**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter Eight: Almighty Hairdresser**_

Yellowfang: Oooooh... you're in trouble...

Tigerclaw: (walks in with Bluestar and Lionheart and Whitestorm) Firepaw? Firepaw, where are you? I mean, I can hear you, but all I can see is this ancient bag of bones and a creepy-looking dude with a 'fro.

Lionheart: A-hem.(turns Tigerclaw to Firepaw)

Firepaw: So... how'd you find out(laughs nervously)

Lionheart: Well, the fact that Bluestar came into camp with a mullet, and humming the tune to 'Hero' as well as started to do the Cha-Cha with Whitestorm-

Bluestar: Whoo-hoo!

Lionheart: -Only to have Willowpelt beat her with a sock-that was filled with bricks- kind of clued us in that something was wrong.

Yellowfang: (dryly) Real genius you have there.

Tigerclaw: Wait a second... (spots clippers) SHE'S ARMED!(straps siren to head and pushes button) OK-

Firepaw: Siren isn't working.

Tigerclaw: (pushes button again, and then slams Yellowfang against tree, taking out handcuffs and clamps them around he then frisks her)

Yellowfang: (flirtatiously) Go ahead, big boy.

Tigerclaw: Dream on. Darkstripe and I are so totally an item.(finds bag of something) Just as I expected... POPPY SEEDS!

Lionheart: You see, Firepaw, what you could have gotten into?

Firepaw: (is too busy doing the Egg Beater to 'We are Family' to listen)

Lionheart: (sighs) Bluestar, what has happened to the kits of today?(turns to see Bluestar doing the exact same thing)

Tigerclaw: Well, at least we've caught the Illegal Poppy Seed dealer that drove Windclan out

Firepaw: (pauses) How'd that drive them out?

Lionheart: Er... Tallstar got high and stole a car.

000

Tigerclaw: WE HAVE THE DEALER!

Yellowfang: Seriously, I don't deal! Someone put it on me! Well, I do deal something...

Tigerclaw: What?

Yellowfang: (slyly) Loooooooove...

Bluestar: I have a proposition for ya, deala.

Yellowfang: What?

Bluestar: If ya give Lionheart a good mohawk, I shall let you live as a prisoner with Firepaw taking care of you(gestures to Firepaw)

Some cat in the crowd: Dude. What up with the 'fro?  
Yellowfang: MAGICAL MOHAWK THINGAMAJIGGER!(zaps Lionheart)

Spottedleaf: (checks it over) Hmm... CLEAR!

000

Firepaw: (hears leaves rustle in the den, and quickly hides his copy of 'Playtom')

Graypaw: Just me, dude. Needed to get my teddybear. Yellowfang's giving me blonde highlights, and you know how I get around hair dyes. Hey, is that Playtom?(looks through) WHAT THE! Is that BLUESTAR?(thoughtful) She looks pretty hott...

Firepaw: Wait a minute... SANDPAW!(he and Graypaw both look at picture)

Both: AIJDHSOPLDBKHDIHDOLNSOKLNKOLBKCBNJNJBHVHLJVAGJKBJKBSAJABJHD!

Sandpaw: (walks in) Hey, have you guys seen my perfume?

Both: GAJHSKAOAOPUJIAHJHAGBAGJFBJAGJDSLGLKGFJKGJDKGKLGFJKGJKHJKGL!

Yellowfang: I NEED MY FUR DRYCLEANED!

Firepaw: (sighs) Adeu.

000

(at Gathering)

Brokenstar: So, wanna inform ya that a cat that's really my mother though I don't know it yet is the dealer, when it's really me, and I'm hooked on Poppy Seeds-er, I mean, Phonics- so I'd really like summa dat Poppy Seeds-I mean Phonics!(bounces up and down)

Bluestar: (pats mullet) And our prisoner gives free appointments in exchange for her life!

Random Cat: ROCKIN' MULLET!

Bluestar: I know. Hail me!

Firepaw: Er... we'd rather not...

Bluestar: (gives Firepaw evil eye)

Firepaw: Um... ALL HAIL BLUESTAR!

Graypaw: HIP, HIP!

Brokenstar: (so high on Poppy Seeds he doesn't know what he'd doing) HOORAY!

Graypaw: HIP, HIP!

Brokenstar: HOORAY!

Graypaw: HIP HI-

Firepaw: Dude. There's only like, one cat saying hooray. And he's too delusional to know what he's doing.

Tigerclaw: (plotting with Darkstripe, Longtail, and Dustpaw) So, we shall unleash the wrath of the Kraken, and it shall eat Bluestar-

Longtail: Huh. That plot sounds strangely familar.

Dustpaw: Try _Dead Man's Chest_(a/n: don't own) idiot.

Longtail: (sobs)

Darkstripe: I don't want to be accused of plagerism, so you got anything else, Tigger?  
Tigerclaw: Uh... we ruin her mullet?

All: (cackles insanely)

Firepaw: Psst, Gray-dawg!

Graypaw: What?

Firepaw: They wanna trash Bluey's mullet!

Graypaw: Say it ain't so!

000

Tigerclaw: So, as I assess you, you take a left on the tree that says 'BOO' every time you pass it, right at Leopardfur's Elvis cardboard cut out, and- wait... I'm not supposed to be telling you that!

Firepaw: (stuffs piece of paper he was taking notes on in his mouth) Really?

Tigerclaw: Grr.

Firepaw: EEEEEEEEEEEK!(runs away) I wonder how I'll lose him... I know(chews piece of gum, then throws it behind him)

Tigerclaw: (was running, then halts) DANG!(paw is stuck in gum)

(later)

Firepaw: Geez... can hear him again... (takes out cell phone) Hey... Guy?

Tigerclaw: (is running, then hears siren) What the...?

Guy: (who's disguise today is as forest ranger/police officer) Sir. You were speeding.

Tigerclaw: I'm a CAT. I don't have a car! And being a cat, I was only going 2.5 miles an hour!

Guy: (points to sign that says, 'Speed limit: 2.4 and three quarter miles an hour)

Tigerclaw: (says disgraceful words) Look, we're on the same team!(places siren on head)

Guy: You're a cat.

Tigerclaw: THAT'S MY POINT.

Guy: I'll have to see some ID, sir.

Tigerclaw: (sighs and looks through wallet) Here.

Guy: (inspects 'ID') Sir...(shows Tigerclaw ID, which is actually a photo of him and Goldenflower at Disneyland on the 'Magic Carpet' ride, her making bunny ears over his head as she kisses him on the cheek)

Tigerclaw: (while making mental note not to let Darkstripe see that photo) Uh... gotta go.(bolts)

Guy: (speaks into walky talky) Breaker, breaker, we gotta a runner...

Tigerclaw: (is stopped by another officer)

Other Officer: Sir, I'm Officer Guy's partner, Officer Other Guy. I have warrant to arrest you.(shows warrant)

Tigerclaw: (takes can of Pepper Spray) Take that!

Other Guy: MY EYES!

(meanwhile)

Firepaw: So, Smudge, how things crackin'?

Smudge: Well, Genivieve doesn't sing 'Toxic' anymore.

Firepaw: Good.

Smudge: She sings, 'Since U Been Gone' instead.

Genivieve: SINCE U BEEN GOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!

Firepaw and Smudge: (shove wax in their ears)

Tigerclaw: Phew, outran him-(sees Firepaw) Tee-hee.(snaps picture)

000

_**So, what was your fav line out of this chapter? R and R!**_


	9. Rayne Bow and Cloud Burst

_**Chapter Nine: Rayne Bow and Cloud Burst**_

Firepaw: No, Bluey, I won-

Bluestar: (grabs onto him) NOOOO! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME, HOMESLICE!

Firepaw: (pats her on head) OK, OK... people are staring...

Bluestar: (wails)

Tigerstar: (snickers and takes pictures with his camera phone) MUHAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN TRASHING THE MULLET! I'M A-SENDING THIS ONE TO OAKHEART!

Firepaw: (thinks for a moment about Oakheart's rage, and then about the picture of Bluestar he saw in that magazine, weighing them) Uh... maybe you should get a new plot!

Tigerstar: (stops laughing) Huh?

Firepaw: Yeah!(skims through books) Uh... what about recruiting your sons-oh, wait that's from the New Prophecy, and you're already dead...

Tigerstar: (eyes bulge)

Firepaw: Anyway-HOLY STARCLAN!

Tigerstar: What? I succeeded?

Firepaw: No... SANDSTORM AND I HAVE DAUGHTERS!

Tigerstar: (tumbles over laughing as Firepaw mutters 'I'm a DAD in the future? Sandpaw and I- Holy...)

Firepaw: OH. MY. STARCLAN. You ain't gonna laugh at this one, Tigger.(smirks)

Tigerstar: (alarmed) What?

Firepaw: Your son is infatuated with my daughter.

Both: (stare at each other for a long moment, then both faint)

Bluestar: (begins to flip through books) Geez... I get killed protecting this retard...

Firepaw: (sits up) Well!(sly look) Apparently Sandpaw doesn't think I'm a retard!(high-heeled boot hits him in the head)

Sandstorm: (walks in) Retard!

Firepaw: But honeybunny!

Sandpaw: (sticks tongue out) The author was just being a dork! Now I shall hate you with vengance until book 2, in which I mysteriously start to like you!

Firepaw: OK...

Tigerclaw: (wakes up) Sorry everyb-(looks at Firepaw and Sandpaw) What'd I miss?

Bluestar: (hands him popcorn) Well, Firepaw is apparently a playa in the future-

Tigerclaw: He's a playa now..grumble grumble...

Bluestar: ANYWAY, the author was being an idiot as usual-

Author: HEY! I prefer dork!

Tigerclaw: EEK!(clutches head and goes into fetal position) The voices... they're calling me!

Bluestar: That's nice.(looks up at sky where author seems to be living) You can't handle the truth!

Author: I admit that. I also admit that I have a weird infatuation at throwing bricks at things that annoy me.(throws brick at Bluestar, which is successful, since I have given myself quite the arm in this story, and hits her in the head)

Tigerclaw:(gets up and stares at Bluestar) Hmm...(steals popcorn and begins to scarf it down as quick as possible so he can blame Firepaw for something)

Bluestar: (wakes up) Who... who ate my popcorn?  
Tigerclaw: Firepaw! He diiiiiiiid it!

Firepaw: Now that just sounds wrong.

Bluestar: (shakes with anger) Firepaw... it states that in page 13, paragraph 56, article 1000000000000000111-(takes out ginormous book and spectacles) Do you WANT me to read it?

Everyone including Author: NO.

Bluestar: Anyway... eating the leader's popcorn is a symbol that you want to leave the clan and beat us with hockysticks!

Sandpaw: Gasp!(beats Firepaw with hockystick)

Tigerclaw: Wait a gosh-darn minute! Sandpaw, what are you doing here?  
Sandpaw: (shrugs)

Bluestar: Sandy, sweetie, when somebody says something like that, it means they want you to GET OUT.

Sandpaw: I'm not goin' even if you-

Dustpaw: Hey Sandy, I got you a cupcake!

Sandpaw: Oh-gotta bounce!(bounces off)

Firepaw: (muttering to self) Who says 'gotta bounce' anymore...?  
Bluestar: So. Do you wanna go or-

Firepaw: (breaks into song) YOU HAVE TO LET ME KNOOOOOOW! SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?  
Tigerclaw: (cough-speaking) Go!

Firepaw: (beats him with hockystick)

Tigerclaw: See Bluey! He _does _wanna beat us with hockysticks!

Bluestar: Dude...(puts on Earth Mother outfit, complete with floor length hair) You like, totally need to embrace both parts of you... the Yin... and the Yang...

Firepaw and Tigerclaw: (freak out)

Bluestar: I give you your new names... Rayne Bow, and Cloud Burst...

Firepaw: Right... so I'm off the hook?

Bluestar: Whatever your heart desires, Cloud Burst...(wanders off to strum her guitar and meditate in front of shrine to Oakheart)

Cloud B-I mean, Firepaw: HAHA!

Tigerclaw: Foiled again!

Yellowfang: Hell-O! MY saying!

Tigerclaw: So. What about my new plot?

Firepaw: Uh... how 'bout you try kill Bluestar? She's gonna go nuts anyways-

Everyone: She already IS nuts.

Firepaw: -And I need an enemy to fulfill that retarded prophecy. You know, all that junk.

Person: Excuse me? Tigerclaw? But we need to give you a ticket.

Tigerclaw: (in amazement) Officer Guy?

Officer: NO!(exasperated sigh) Officer Other Guy!

Tigerclaw: Oh. Why do I need a ticket this time?

Other Guy: You need to pay five bucks before you can plot. The Plot Law.

Tigerclaw: But... but... but... AW FISHSTICKS!(looks for wallet)

000

_**So? R and R!**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**Chapter Ten: Lionheart goes to the Day-spa in the Sky**_

Firepaw: So. What do we do this fine day, my alcholic friend?

Graypaw: Who told you I was an alcholic? That's my biggest secret!

Firepaw: Er... I was talking to Ravenpaw.

Ravenpaw: (eyes bug out) Oh my Starclan! I'm not the only one! And anyway, I have an idea.

Firepaw: What?

Ravenpaw: Well, I was thinking we play Who-Gets-Killed-By-the-Shadowclan-Patrol-and-the-Truth-isn't-Told-'til-Fire and Ice-but-only-to-Bluestar-who-doesn't-believe-you, but Tigerclaw feels like killing me today, so that doesn't work out...

Graypaw: WAIT! I HAVE AN IDEA! WE-

Firepaw: (hits him with a hockystick) Shut up! _I _have the great ideas, thank-you very much. And I'm psychic. By the way, I'd stay away from Riverclan she-cats if I were you.

Graypaw: (crosses himself)

Tigerclaw: (sees Firepaw holding hockystick) a-HA! Caught at the scene of the crime, kitty!

Yellowfang: Um... I thought I was supposed to be caught at the scene of the crime.

Tigerclaw: For what?

Yellowfang: (shifty eyes) I don't really know yet, but I think it has something to do with Poppy Seeds...

Tigerclaw: (stuffs face) D-doesn't eeeeeverything Yellowy?

Yellowfang: (arches eyebrow) That oddly addicted look would explain books 1-6...

Firepaw: (hasn't heard conversation, which would also explain why he was clueless as to why Tigerclaw was evil) Well, anyway, Graypaw-shut up. Ravenpaw-er... what did I just say?

Ravenpaw: Shut up?

Firepaw: Don't say that to me!(whacks Ravenpaw with hockystick)

Ravenpaw: (wincing) What? Shut up?

Firepaw: (whacks)

Ravenpaw: But all I said was shut up!

Firepaw: Don't say the 's' word.(whacks)

Ravenpaw: But I thought the 's' word was-

Firepaw: DEFINITELY don't say that you potty-mouth!(whacks)

Ravenpaw: All I said was-

Graypaw: Both of you... SHUT UP!

Firepaw and Ravenpaw: (stares)

Graypaw: (goes back to looking at that beetle)

Firepaw and Ravenpaw: (burst into tears) YOU'RE OUR B-BEST FWEND! HOW COULD YOU BE SO EVIL!

Firepaw: (points to Graypaw) Meanie!

Ravenpaw: (spits on ground)

Graypaw: (rolls eyes) Honestly... do I have to do this every time?(takes out gigantic hypodermic needle)

Fire and Raven: (cry harder)

Graypaw: Hmm. Looks like I'll have to rev it up!(grins gleefully and gets a bigger needle)

Fire and Raven: (shut up)

Tigerclaw: And s-so, Spotty, I need those poppy seeds for Goldie, not me!

Spottedleaf: Oh really?

Tigerclaw: Like, yeah!

Spottedleaf: And why does she need them?

Tigerclaw: (leans in to whisper) Don't tell anyone I told you this, but she has a little problem-(breaks off) Do you hear that shrieking?

Spottedleaf: Yeah...

Shrieking(aka, Firepaw): OW! GRAYPAW, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

Shrieking2(aka, Ravenpaw): WHAT HE SAID!

Firepaw: I'M GONNA GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD, AND AFTER THAT, I'M GONNA HIRE A CHICKEN NAMED BOB TO ASSINATE YOU, AND THEN-oooo... all the colors...

Ravenpaw: (giggles) Pretty...

Firepaw: Look at the elephants wearing swim goggles...(suddenly bursts into tears) Those are my goggles! MINE!

Ravenpaw: Hehe..

Firepaw: (whistles at One-Eye as she walks by)

One-Eye: (hits him with purse)

Firepaw: Where's da lub?

Ravenpaw: (slumps down on the ground and waves at Tigerclaw) I love you, Tigger!

Tigerclaw: Great. Graypaw's at it with his needles again... POPPY SEEDS!(delusionally runs off)

Spottedleaf: Tigerclaw! That's a mira-

Tigerclaw: (splats into tree)

Spottedleaf: Mirage.

Firepaw: Pink elephants!... Pink elephants!

Ravenpaw: Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum...

Firepaw: PINK ELEPHANTS!

Graypaw: (pats trusty needle, which is now in its holster) Will they ever learn? Oh, hey Lionheart. Watcha doin'?

Lionheart: (walks by with shotgun) I'm hunting wabbits.

Graypaw: Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Firepaw: (in background) What's real, anyway?  
Ravenpaw: Like, love is real.

Firepaw: Dude...

Lionheart: What the he-

Graypaw: Never mind. Aren't you supposed to be dead by now?

Lionheart: I DON'T WANNA!

Graypaw: OK. But you get to invade our private fantasies...

Lionheart: (thinks) OK. Pretend to be sad, OK?  
Graypaw: Sure thing!

Lionheart: (drops dead)  
Bluestar: (walks over) Hey Lionheart-HOLY CHEEZ PUFFS! SPOOOOTTY!

Spottedleaf: (getting nails done) One more minute... Darkstripe's almost finished...

Darkstripe: Hot pink is gonna look so fab on you...

Spottedleaf: WHAT! I asked for _faded _hot pink!

Darkstripe: Oh... faded hot pink is gonna look so fab on you!... in two hours.

Spottedleaf: Er.. make that sixty more minutes.

Bluestar: Spottedleaf. He said _two _hours, you oaf. That's 120 minutes.

Spottedleaf: Whatevs.

(two hours later)

Spottedleaf: (takes a glance at Lionheart's stiffening corpse) Yep. He's dead. That'll be 500 bucks.

Everyone: (looks at Graypaw)

Graypaw: Er... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Lionheart: I'm not REALLY dead. It just adds for drama. I'm really in the great big day-spa in the sky.

Bluestar: Tell me, does this day-spa have a corny cardboard sign that says 'Starclan' on it?

Lionheart: (gleefully) Yep!

Bluestar: You're dead.

Lionheart: Ooooh... that did look slightly suspicious...

xxx

_**R and R!**_


	11. Author Makes Special Guest Appearance

_**Chapter Eleven: The Author makes a Guest Appearance**_

(opens up to all toms in Thunderclan singing and doing dance moves from high school musical)

Tigerclaw: ONE MORE TIME!

Toms: (begin dance moves and hand motions) WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOOOOOGETHER-

Tigerclaw: NO, YOU MOUSE-BRAINS, THE OTHER ONE!

Graypaw: Ooooh...

Tigerclaw: (hits him in head with Nike)

Graypaw: (is knocked out-how many times have I knocked that dude out?)

Ravenpaw: Hey! That's my Nike!

Tigerclaw: Oh, really?(throws it at Ravenpaw)

Ravenpaw: (twists and it misses) HAHA! YOU MISSED! NAH-NAH-(the Nike, which was actually a boomerang, comes back and knocks HIM out)

Tigerclaw: Never underestimate the power of the Nike boomerang, yo.

Firepaw: Uh...(praying that he'll be knocked out for the rest of the song) Nike's stink.

Tigerclaw: (pats him on head) We can't knock you out. You're our best soprano! NOW! THE OTHER LINE!(AN: THE WORDS MAY BE OFF)

Toms: WILDCATS IN THE HOUSE, THAT'S WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT, WILDCATS EVERYWHERE, RAISE YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR, THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT LET'S GET TO IT COOOOOOOOOME ON, EVERYONE!

Firepaw: (in voice that is exactly like Zac Efron's) YEE-AH!

She-cats: O... M... G... WAS THAT FREAKIN' ZAC EFRON!

Spottedleaf: (grabs autograph book) HE'S EVEN HOTTER THAN FIREPAW!

Firepaw: Huh?

Author: (light shines down) ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT ZAC IS CUTE, BUT NOT A MAN...

Sandpaw: Whateva, haters!

Author: I AM ONE HATER, THANK YOU. YOU ARE USING THE PLURAL, AND 'TIS NOT GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT.

Sandpaw: (sticks tongue out)

Author: OH, YEAH, THAT WAS REALLY MATURE.

Sandpaw: (runs off to cry)

Author: (blows on nails) ANYBODY _ELSE _WANTS TO CHALLENGE ME?

Bluestar: (comes up with box) I do.

Everyone: (gasps)

Firepaw: Great, we're in THIS again.(sighs) Nah-nah-nah.

Graypaw: Woh, woh, woh.

Ravenpaw: Nah-nah-nah.

Firepaw: Woh-

Author: SHUT UP! AND WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU CHALLENGING ME TO?

Bluestar: (dramatically takes out board) Chess is my name, Bluestar is my game.

Tigerclaw: Uh...

Bluestar: Oops. Bluestar is my name, chess is my game.(checks script) GOT IT!

Clan: BOOYAH!

Author: (taps shoe)

Bluestar: Oh... geez. I forgot something else, didn't I?

Author: (taps shoe to the tune of the _Godfather_-how she did that, we may never know)

Bluestar: (is now seriously freaked out and flips through script) Oh shoot! Um... who wants to be deputy?(all cats raise paws-and a not cat)

Bluestar: (glares at author) Eleise, you can't be the deputy. You aren't a cat.

Author: I am now.

Bluestar: Prove it.

Author: (puts on sock puppet of cat) Meow.

Bluestar: (shrugs) Good enough for me. ELEISE WILL BE THE NEW DEPUTY OF THUNDERCLAN! WHO LIKES THAT?(crickets)

Author: (takes out shotgun)

Firepaw: (turns to Clan) Uh, what do we say?

Clan: BOOYAH!

Author: Oh, I was just messin' with ya.(cracks up) You're all so gullible!(disappears)

Bluestar: How do I get my new deputy?

Firepaw: I have an idea...

(ten minutes later)

Bluestar: Are you sure nobody'll die?

Firepaw: (ties cloth over her eyes) Naaahh...(crosses fingers)

Graypaw: (hands her stick) Yeah, the last time we did this, all that happened-ooooh. I better not say now...

Tigerclaw: So. Can we be let down now?

Whitestorm: Yeah, everyone knows that I don't get made deputy till book 6.(shot zooms away to show both tied to a tall tree by ropes)

Tallstar: And why am I up here? I'm not in the Clan, I'm a Poppy Seed addict/hijacker, and I'm already a leader!

Author: WELL, YOU ALWAYS ANNOYED ME...

Bluestar: So... what do I do?

Firepaw: It's called the art of pinata. You basically blindly swing the stick around, killing pedestrians until you hit one of those toms. Whichever one you hit first is your depuy.

Bluestar: (giggles) Sounds fun!

Firepaw: (grins maliciously at Tigerclaw) Oh... it is...

Bluestar: (begins to blindly swing stick around) Have I hit anything yet?

Firepaw: Is anyone screaming?

Bluestar: Yeah.

Firepaw: Huh? (checks) Oh, it was just Longtail. He always does that.

Longtail: AAAAAAAAH!

Bluestar: (swings)

Whitestorm: MOTHER OF PEARL!(waves forelegs and barely makes it away)

Bluestar: (swings)

Tallstar: HOLEY MAKERAL!(does same thing)

Tigerclaw: Uh... can someone fill me in on some sea creature outburst thing?  
(silence)

Tigerclaw: Uh... BUCKWHEAT!(but spent so much time trying to think, is hit)

Bluestar: OMG! Tigerclaw, are you ok?

Tigerclaw: (in tiny voice with pinched face) Oh yeah...

Bluestar: TIGERCLAW SHALL BE THE NEW DEPUTY OF THUNDERCLAN!

Clan: BOOYAH!

Bluestar: WHY ARE YOU ONLY SAYING THAT?

CLAN: WHY ARE WE ONLY SPEAKING IN CAPS?

Author: BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT!(skips off humming the Fairy Godmother off of _Shrek 2_'s little song...'_with.. just... a... wave of my magic wand! your troubles will soon be gone!' _so on)

Bluestar: Ok... are the caps off?

Clan: Yeah.

Frostfur: (in Britney Spears skit voice) Lionheart, I know you're up in Starclan and all, but where's the kits?

Lionheart: (from up above) I thought you had 'em.

(long pause)

Both: (word which you will know if you saw the skit, that I will not mention)

Yellowfang: Uh-oh...

xxx

_**Hope you liked!**_


End file.
